Caregivers often shrink themselves in service to others. Learn why taking up space in your own life supports emotional regulation, health, and sustainable care.
The Ritual That Starts the Day
According to the National Coffee Association, the average American coffee drinker consumes about three cups of coffee each day. Although I was not consulted for this research, I am most definitely an example of the statistic. For better or worse, in richer and poorer, sickness and health, coffee and I have been in it together for decades. It brews every morning as I exercise and the first cup is poured before the sun rises or the sweat of my efforts dries. For me that initial creamy sip is motivation, decadence, comfort, and sweetness at once. It symbolically starts my day.
Recently, my partner and I rearranged my cabinets to make this first cup sweeter. For the past decade it took an unnecessary amount of effort to pour it. The coffee, pot, mugs, and sweetener were in the pantry where I had to plug and unplug the maker every morning. The water and creamer in the kitchen, a separate room entirely. For years I’ve thought about reorganizing, but never put in the effort. I am the sole coffee drinker and barista, so simplifying the process benefited no one but me, who is rarely, if ever, my priority.
Taking up space in your own life, physically or energetically, is not indulgent. It's regulating.
When Function Replaces Presence
In our house I am a working mom, practitioner, dishwasher, cook, bookkeeper, healer, landscaper, plumber, housekeeper, child psychologist, personal assistant… The list goes on. I’m the doer. This isn’t something that is done to me. I am an active participant. I am grateful and honored by my roles. However, at some point, I had allowed my existence in my home to become completely functional. My needs became secondary. Without realizing it, I had designed and organized my house, and much of my life, to reflect that status.
On a recent morning, post-reorganization, with all of the ingredients for my first sip of decadence within steps, I gratefully embraced the feeling of occupying not just operating in my home. It was such a small adjustment that made an immeasurable difference for me. I felt settled, seen, and recognized as a resident in my own life.
Taking Up Space Is Regulation
In yoga, when embodying a position that calls for lengthening and expansion, you will often hear a prompt to “take up space”. It’s a reminder to make room for yourself to grow, or even just exist. The space that we take up in our lives is a reflection of how we see ourselves. I had set myself up in my own home as a position, not a person. It’s a mistake that many caregivers make. Our needs and desires become lost and begin to reflect those of the people that we care for. We energetically shrink ourselves, moving further from our own authentic plans and purpose.
During a recent Reiki share, the facilitator introduced me to the phrase “tend your garden”. It was such a simple, yet powerful, reminder for me. Taking up space in your own life, physically or energetically, is not indulgent. It’s regulating. It’s tending to your garden. Your self-treatment and surroundings have a tangible, measurable influence on your energetic, emotional, and physical well-being. Sustainably caring for others requires that you include yourself in that circle of care, just as a well tended garden produces a healthier, more abundant harvest.
One Cup At A Time
So I invite you, dear friend, to take a look at your surroundings. Your home. Your relationships. Even in your own becoming. Be curious and find if there is anywhere in your life that you are making yourself small. Explore ways to tend your garden and give yourself room for growth. There is no need to rush, fight or force it. With grace and gratitude, simply find your flow. This is your life, your amazing adventure, remember to savor it, tend it, and take it one steady sip at a time.
References
- Evans G. W. (2003). The built environment and mental health. Journal of urban health : bulletin of the New York Academy of Medicine, 80(4), 536–555. https://doi.org/10.1093/jurban/jtg063
- Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World psychiatry : official journal of the World Psychiatric Association (WPA), 15(2), 103–111. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20311
- Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of clinical psychology, 69(1), 28–44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923
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