Choosing Love Over Fear For several weeks, three seemingly unrelated concepts have been the main elements in the storm of my thoughts. There’s no actual sequence to these ideas. Each thought is rotating with the other, sometimes dancing, sometimes raging, rarely touching the ground. For the sake of clarity though, yours and mine, I’ll put …
Choosing Love Over Fear
For several weeks, three seemingly unrelated concepts have been the main elements in the storm of my thoughts. There’s no actual sequence to these ideas. Each thought is rotating with the other, sometimes dancing, sometimes raging, rarely touching the ground. For the sake of clarity though, yours and mine, I’ll put them in order. The first is a quote that I absolutely love by a writer and woman whom I greatly admire, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. The second is the concept that identical physiological conditions can influence completely opposing emotions. And the third is architecture.
The Energy of Love vs. Fear
The quote I have undoubtedly written somewhere before. It begins with “There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear.” Dr. Ross continues by linking peace, contentment, and happiness to love. Anxiety, guilt, and hate she relates to fear. It’s a quote that I’ve cherished and returned to countless times for more than a decade. What she goes on to say is what has recently tangled itself into my mental whirlwind. She describes the opposition of love and fear and continues with “If we’re in fear, we are not in a place of love. When we’re in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear.” I wholeheartedly agree and utterly disagree with this concept.
One of my favorite fun facts about the human body is that both excitement and anxiousness are the products of the same physiological reactions. While experiencing either of these emotions our level of cortisol increases, our heart beats faster, pupils dilate, we begin to sweat, and our stomach tightens. Our body is physically preparing itself for action. And these changes don’t have to be in response to circumstantial motivation or external influences. We can begin the process simply by having a memory or a discussion in our head that we expect to or want to happen; or often repeating one that has already happened and altering the outcome. We can change our emotional state, and even our physical experience, completely with our own minds. It is not the experience itself but the conscious choice we make that determines whether we lean into love or fear. This is the exact kind of inner clarity that grows through conscious coaching support. Come on, that’s some cool stuff right there!
How the Body Feels Love and Fear at the Same Time
So here is why I disagree (sorry EKB!) with my much beloved quote. I’m an energy gal, obviously, so I don’t think about love and fear as emotions but rather as… well… energy. Which makes sense for this quote because it would be the energy of love from which all conceptually positive emotions stem, and the energy of fear from which all emotions that we associate as negative evolve. As such, excitement would be love based. Anxiety, rooted in fear. So based on our physical state of arousal, we are precisely in love and fear at the exact same time. It is not the experience, but rather the conscious choice that we make, the energy that we put into this choice, that makes the quote entirely correct. (Still following me?… Okay, here’s the point… ) Once we choose love or fear, the other is diminished. But only when we make that choice. And it is the practice of these choices, the consistency of choosing love or fear, that builds the foundation of who we are and how we live.
Enter architecture.
We have created a reactionary society. It is fast-paced and loaded with misinformation. Some of which, much of which actually, we feed to ourselves, our righteousness, unworthiness or otherness. We seek control for comfort. We reject that which is unlike us or makes us feel unsteady. We run when given the chance to root and we dig in our heels when given the chance to learn. These immediate reactions create thick walls on a weak foundation. Walls that block out light, isolate us, and collapse with very little influence. They fall because there is nothing holding them. I mean, you wouldn’t even build a Lego skyscraper with a pile of solid, large blocks on top of the smallest triangular and round pieces. And this is exactly what we do when we consistently choose fear. We create a weak base and solid walls, reaching for the sky with no footing. We separate and hide ourselves and crumble easily. What we need to do is build a strong foundation and large, wide-open windows, all the way to the sky.
It is in the small moments that we choose love over fear and strengthen the foundation that holds our energy steady.
The best way for us to do this, when given the opportunity, and there is always the opportunity, is to choose love. Not some hippy mystic concept or romantic notion of love but that nagging, sometimes overwhelming, knowledge of truth inside of us that says “just listen without defense”, “just speak softly or stay silent”, or “just take a breath and trust”. It is genuine love of self, understanding of who we are and what we need, and compassion for others that builds a strong foundation and leaves room for windows of light.
Practicing Love in the Small Moments
Love is not always the easy choice. It’s often not. Life doesn’t allow for the certainty that humans crave. Circumstances can change instantaneously, and it is our response to them that makes us who we are. It is the everyday choice between clenched fists or a deep breath, between judgement or curiosity, between love or fear.
There will always be fear of the unknown. There will always be a hesitancy to see the truth in something that we do not believe. There will always be jealousy. There will always be anger. How much power we give to these things is our decision, and ours alone. When we make a choice not to waste our energy on anger, jealousy, mistrust, or fear we make room for opportunity. We give ourselves the space to open our hearts and minds. We build a strong foundation with windows to let in light. Practicing love over fear in the undemanding, seemingly mindless, moments in our lives, the challenging conversations, minor disruptions and disappointments, and simple mistakes, builds the foundation for when we will need that love, that light, the most.
The insecurity of leaving a job, the vulnerability of falling in love, the grief when you lose a loved one, the uncertainty at the birth of a child. In these moments, when you truly need your own stillness and light, it is the practice that you have created during the simpler moments, the work that you have already put in, that sustains you, that holds you steady. It is your own grounded base and open heart that brings you the hope, silence, comfort, and strength that you need. It is in these undemanding, seemingly mindless moments that we train ourselves to pause, breathe, and choose love. It’s the same awareness we explore deeply in our reflection on overthinking and staying present.
Building a Foundation That Can Hold Your Light
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is well known for her work with terminal patients and their families. She is the founder of the stages of grief widely recognized by psychiatrists and psychologists today. While I’ve read much of her writing and heard many interviews, I don’t claim to be, in any way, an expert on her work. However, I say will full certainty, that she never had a patient whisper “Thank goodness I never let anyone in” with their last breath. No one leaves this earth grateful for having lived in fear. So, my invitation to you, my dear sweet friend, is to start building a stronger foundation. Start replacing some walls with windows. Take those tiny moments in traffic and breathe. Listen to a seemingly ludicrous argument without engagement. Remember that mistakes are proof that you, or someone else, is trying. Practice opening your heart and your mind one small bit at a time. And when your foundation is strong, and you are filled with too much light to hold inside, keep going until you touch the clouds.
Strengthen Your Inner Foundation
Your emotional architecture shapes every direction you take. A guided Reiki session in New Jersey or virtual RAW Coaching session can help you clear the old debris, reinforce what supports you, and build from a place of trust and alignment.
Need a Little Clarity?
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