So many of us struggle to express how we truly feel. In this reflection on fear, communication, and emotional honesty, you’re invited to slow down, name what rises within you, and rediscover the clarity that appears when you speak your truth with honesty.
Honest Words, Honest Hearts
Recently, following an unusually low-drama morning of disagreement between my boys, my 10-year old came to me and told me that he thinks that it is unfair that his 8-year old brother is upset with him for not using a specific toy. As I usually do on a good day, I acknowledged and validated his feelings. Knowing that so many misunderstandings, big and small, come from words that we don’t know how to say, I attempted to reason with this smart, beautiful boy as if he were a full grown man.
“Your brother is feeling left out and ‘less than’ you. Those are hard feelings to understand and express.” Followed by “It’s not our place to tell anyone else what should or should not upset them.” And bringing it home with “If you were upset, would you want someone to understand and let you have your feeling, or would you want them to argue with you?”
He politely agreed to disagree and we settled on “Okay, just don’t get mom involved.” Success!
"Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder."
Rumi
Fear and Words: When We Forget How to Speak Our Truth
While the exchange did not end in the adolescent epiphany I had hoped for, it did make me think about how we communicate. My younger son is 8, so it’s no surprise that it is a challenge for him to clearly communicate his emotions and needs. What is surprising is how many socially intelligent, successful adults are unable to convey how we feel with honesty and clarity. Not that we are lying to each other, but more that we have become so disconnected from our own truth that we no longer recognize it. It’s as if we have all reverted back to toddlers, just discovering words and being frustrated that we don’t have enough of them to express our emotions.
The morning before my sons’ disagreement, I reached out to a few family members to make a potential holiday plan for an outdoor visit to some of our relatives who were quarantining during the holiday season. It wasn’t a proposal, or even a solid suggestion; just an idea. “What do you guys think…”
Several people responded that they didn’t think it was possible for them, one was all in, and one aunt worried that it would be overwhelming for the secluded family. I assured her of my agreement and that I would reach out to them if we are all available. The next 45 minutes or so were filled with consecutive texts, tentative so as not to offend me and anxious to ensure that I would not bombard our relatives. Knowing me the way that she does, there is no doubt that my aunt is aware that I am neither easily offended nor a bombarder. That’s not what her messages were about. They were about her concern for the family that she can’t quite express, her feeling of helplessness. Her assumptions of my perspective weren’t accusations, they were a reflection and projection of her own fear.
How Naming Fear Changes Everything
At the core of both of these exchanges is fear. The fear that an older brother doesn’t appreciate or value you; or that you are not as closely connected as you thought. The fear that you’ve hurt your younger brother, you’ve done something wrong and you’re being judged or rejected for it. The fear of uncertainty and lack of control. I wonder, in any of these scenarios, how would it look if my sons or my aunt were able to just say what they meant? How much better might it have felt to express it? How different might things be received if we were all able to speak with vulnerability and honesty?
Anxiety, helplessness, insecure attachment, and shame are all incredibly powerful emotions. They are difficult and frightening for anyone to express, and grow more powerful the more we suppress them. At 8 and 10 years old, it would be flat out strange if the exchange had been “Dearest brother, I feel threatened by your choice of this new plan over use of my gift to you. Please assure me that we are still close, that you value me, and that you appreciate my efforts.” “Oh yes, little brother, you are my best friend and I see and appreciate how you look up to me and put thought into my gifts to bring me joy.” I don’t know why they’re formal Victorians in this scenario, but you get the point.
Anxiety, helplessness, insecure attachment, and shame are all incredibly powerful emotions. They are difficult and frightening for anyone to express, and grow more powerful the more we suppress them
Our world is filled with words. So many people talking over each other, expressing feelings and opinions without allowing time for the integrity or impact to resonate. The more that we talk, the more we fear silence, and the further we get from our truth. It’s listening that we need. Listening for the meaning behind distorted messages. Listening to the “I’m afraid” inside of the speech. Not only listening to the unspoken words of others, but to the ones that we keep hidden inside of ourselves. Taking the time to speak our truth, instead of just our fear. This is how we all learned to speak in the first place. We took our time to recognize what we wanted, what we needed, and when we had it right, we said it.
Attachment, Anxiety, and the Emotions We Avoid Naming
In the world of walls that we are building, it is a big ask to be honest. And it’s not completely possible at all times to be completely vulnerable and speak your needs. A first date might not be the most opportune time to express an avoidant attachment that might keep you from calling someone you’re interested in seeing again, or an anxious attachment that might make you want to text twelve times the next day to assure you that you’re wanted. Not cool. Also not cool, mentally torturing yourself wondering if s/he will call or text. Should you call or text? Have you called or texted too much? Too little? Should you see other people? Should you not? The same spiral that we send ourselves down when job hunting, test taking, waiting for a promotion, making a presentation. Not. Cool. And not helpful.
The great thing is, though, that unlike toddlers we do already have the words inside of us. We’ve just forgotten how to use them properly. When we do though, when we are able to silently name the fear that is rising, it loses its power over us. It shifts our energy, slows our emotional spiral, and returns us to our truth.
Learning to Speak Your Truth One Small Word at a Time
So, I invite you, dear friend, to return to yourself, to your truth. Find a quiet place and express it. Openly and honestly, on paper or out loud, just say “I am scared. This thing has happened and it scares me.” Accept yourself where you are. Acknowledge and accept that this is how you feel. No judgement. No fighting. And maybe, just maybe, if we practice this enough with ourselves we will eventually be brave enough to be honest with others, one small word at a time.
If you want to reclaim your words and express yourself with honesty, but prefer a steady companion on the journey, let’s work together to create practical tools to help you speak your truth.
See also:
Building Strong Emotional Foundations
A reminder that strong emotional foundations begin with speaking your truth and naming what you feel.
References
- Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362.
- Lieberman, M. D. et al. (2007). "Putting Feelings Into Words." Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428.
- Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
Need a Little Clarity?
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