We often think our greatest relationship work happens with other people. But the conversations that shape our lives begin within us. When we learn to make room for conflicting emotions instead of forcing one to win, we create the clarity needed for lasting change.
Relationships Begin Before We Know Them
It wouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me that my social media feed has an exorbitant amount of clips from the show Couples Therapy. Although I’ve never actually watched a single episode, the algorithm undeniably knows me well. The clips fascinate me. The couples, their shared and individual stories, the energy of their therapist, Dr. Orna Guralnik. It’s possible that I have given them a full season’s worth of audience time in one to three-minute clips. Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but for a near luddite, it’s clear they have my attention.
Relationships have always fascinated me. Not just the dynamics of a romantic tie, but friends and family, groups, and as I’ve gotten older, our relationship with ourselves, which has its own flavor of duality. I am deeply intrigued by how we balance the polarity of opposing wants, needs, and emotion to cultivate and sustain harmony. Connection is quite literally the foundation from which we all come, the merging of two different entities. And yet it seems to me that it’s something that remains a mystery and a challenge from our first breath until our last.
Several years ago, I heard an interview with Zainab Salbi, a humanitarian and activist who helped women recover and rebuild after unimaginable circumstances. During the interview, she referenced that no matter the conditions that the women came from, once the chaos of their circumstances had calmed, the women often reclaimed their humanity by talking about daily life, including partners and lovers. These connections are what sustain us from birth. The recognition, attention, and care from another human being is not only comforting, but necessary. Without it, we literally could not survive. Yet sometimes it is so hard to coexist.
The Relationship Within
The same need for attention and understanding applies to our relationship with ourselves as well. Emotional duality can be as difficult to manage as a marriage. Two, or often more, emotions conflicting and cohabitating, fighting to be seen and understood. Only when the dichotomy of emotions is internal, there is no physical break like the one that you would get from walking away from an argument with a partner or a friend. There is no tangible moment of space to process and find the way forward. Without giving ourselves room to breathe, there is little clarity. Without clarity, lasting change is nearly impossible.
This synergy is what interests and excites me most about relationships. The way that our connection with others can provide a mirror for our connection with ourselves. The way that a healthy bond with another is stronger when we have a healthy bond with self. Relationships remind us that understanding comes less from certainty and more from curiosity, compassion, and clarity. The tools that allow us to hold space for another person are often the same tools that allow us to hold space for conflicting emotions within us. Not mindlessly or on occasion, but purposefully practicing allowing that room for clarity and calm every day.
This is why I structured my RAW Method to be cyclical. The work is never done. Patterns and cycles show up again and again, like the same argument among partners and families. They have to be recognized and accepted for what they are, in order for the work to begin (again). It’s how we respond, mindfully, with compassion and curiosity, that makes the difference.
Peace is not found in choosing one over the other. It is found in making room for multitudes.
Making Room for Multitudes
When we have conflict in a relationship with another, space becomes imperative. The space for both parties to get the clarity that they need to move forward harmoniously. Our emotions, no matter how uncomfortable, need the same room to exist. When they seem conflicting like excitement and anxiety, grief and relief, or affection and frustration, they can be difficult to navigate. When this duality exists, it feels like one needs to be chosen; one needs to win. In truth though, like in all relationships, superiority and symmetry are contradictory goals. They are mutually exclusive, like wanting to go east and west at the same time.
Someone I deeply admire lovingly describes herself as containing multitudes. I adore this phrase and often use it now myself. We are not meant to limit ourselves to one emotion or one identity. We are not one truth. Peace is not found in choosing one over the other. It is found in making room for multitudes. So I invite you, dear friend, to notice where you’ve been asking yourself to choose between two truths that were never meant to compete. What feelings have you tried to silence, or allowed to get too loud? And when you’re ready, maybe practice making room for both.
References
- Bornstein, M. H., & Esposito, G. (2023). Coregulation: A Multilevel Approach via Biology and Behavior. Children (Basel, Switzerland), 10(8), 1323.
- P, A. S., & S, G. (2025). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Psychological Well-Being: A Narrative Review. Cureus, 17(1), e77705.
- Polan, H. J., & Ward, M. J. (1994). Role of the mother's touch in failure to thrive: a preliminary investigation. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 33(8), 1098–1105.
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