Acceptance isn’t an agreement. It’s the willingness to recognize what is, without immediate judgement or correction. Sustainable growth begins not with fixing, but with curiosity, compassion, and the pause between recgnition and action.
Acceptance Is the Beginning, Not the End
Acceptance is something that I preach far more than I practice. Not agreeing or approving, but allowance. Recognizing without fighting or immediately working to change. Whether it is a circumstance, a person, or even ourselves, our most radical and sustainable growth and healing begins when we are able to accept first. An embodiment of the idea that there is nothing that needs to be fixed; that you do not need to be fixed. Approaching ourselves with curiosity and not with judgement. It seems simple, but in our growth mindset society of effects and edits, artificial intelligence, and psychological catch phrases it’s actually a pretty big task.
You are not broken. You are the carrier of a nervous system in constant survival mode, desperately in need of a break.
A Culture of Constant Fixing
We are neck deep in a culture that idolizes labels and holds image over integrity. Acceptance is difficult to attain when you’re encouraged to perform with little praise for the pause. Even when utilizing my own RAW method, I find myself jumping from recognition to work, skipping what may be the most important step. Study after study shows us that taking a moment between thoughts, tasks, or troubleshooting substantially increases positivity and productivity. Research tells us that having intrinsic calm profoundly benefits us energetically, emotionally, and physically. And yet we compare and criticize ourselves through an algorithm’s eyes. More and more, we seek external validation and immediate solutions, becoming rapidly unable to allow even a moment of discomfort.
Habits are Survival Strategies, Not Character Flaws
Curiosity without critique can be especially difficult when you’re working toward personal growth. Personal development is cyclical. It is try, fail, try, fail, try, do, fail… Repeat. Be it energetic, emotional, or physical growth, change is hard. Our patterns and responses are deeply rooted. It’s easy to hold a mirror to them and perceive yourself as flawed or broken. But if you look closer, you realize that they are just habits. Wonts that can be rerouted. It’s just hard to hear directions when your internal storm is competing for volume with external chaos. You’re not broken. You are the carrier of a nervous system in constant survival mode, desperately in need of a break. And you don’t need to be fixed. You just need safety.
Habits don’t break because we try harder. They break when we feel safe enough to choose differently. Our nervous system prioritizes predictability and our brain will choose a known pain over an unknown freedom. We created the responses and behaviors that we now perceive as flaws in an effort to keep ourselves safe. And they once did serve us, or we wouldn’t have clung to them so tightly. What you now call people-pleasing was once the way that you avoided conflict and stayed emotionally, or even physically, safe. The emotional shutdown that you’re trying so hard to release, was how you avoided being dismissed, mocked, or even punished for having feelings. Your perfectionism was at one time the only way that you could earn love, attention, or approval.
When working towards a personal goal, we often subtly shame ourselves and call it discipline. Growth motivated by anything other than curiosity and love isn’t progress, it’s punishment. It’s counter-intuitive and counter-productive. Accepting yourself exactly as you are isn’t the finish line, it’s the foundation.
Shifting the Script: Practicing the Pause
This month’s Sacred Shift is focusing on Shifting the Script, rewriting our self-talk from judgement to trust. You can take the first step today. When you recognize yourself returning to criticism or judgement, practice pausing. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” ask “What do I need right now? What will happen if I don’t immediately repeat this pattern?” Try to find where in your body you feel the discomfort, and name the feeling. “This part of me feels…” or “This part of me believes…”. Accept that this response was created to protect you, even if it isn’t serving you right now. You can still love that part of you without letting it lead.
We don’t change habits by rejecting ourselves into better behavior. Often the parts of ourselves that we are trying to fix are actually where we need the most compassion. It’s not the easiest or prettiest path, but it is the one that leads to sustainable growth and healing, a journey always well worth taking. So be kind to yourself, friend. Be patient and curious. And always remember you are a person, not a project.
References
- Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.
- Shapiro, S. L., Carlson, L. E., Astin, J. A., & Freedman, B. (2006). Mechanisms of mindfulness. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 62(3), 373–386.
- Siegel, D. J. (2010). The mindful brain: Reflection and attunement in the cultivation of well-being. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Wampold B. E. (2015). How important are the common factors in psychotherapy? An update. World psychiatry : official journal of the World Psychiatric Association (WPA), 14(3), 270–277. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20238
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